I look up at the huge canopy of trees that stretched across the sky it was so huge that it made you want to sit down and believe you're lost even though there is a path ahead of you. I come to a gate in the woods a huge golden gate that opened when I knocked and closed when I stepped in. The first thing I saw was a huge castle unlike any I had ever seen before it was made of gold and the spires reached of to the heavens a man with a mask on and started coming towards me he starts running and fear him and start running away running back through the gates back into the forest and into the bleak grey city that I called home. I stormed into my apartment building and up 20 flights of stairs to my apartment. Mom mom I cried as I got up the stairs I went through the woods and found this most magnificent castle and then a guy with a mask started chasing me and as I was in the middle of my story the man with the mask came in and I discovered the man with the mask was my father.
Vocabulary like canopy, spires, and bleak, add to the depth and colorful qualities of this piece. You switched tense by mistake, and that's a problem to watch out for in the future. Also, is there a reason you aren't writing in paragraphs? I would like to have that discussion with the whole class.
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